After last night, I could never be a politician.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
