I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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