Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
