Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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