Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
