I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It was confusing and full of hummus
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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