Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
