I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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