My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
