I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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