Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
