Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
