just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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