Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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