I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
