you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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