Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
