And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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