Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
