my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
