In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
