Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
