I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
