After last night, I could never be a politician.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he was CRYING into my vagina
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
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This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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