i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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