My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
