God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
