I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
