Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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