we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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