oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
