Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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