I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
