***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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