how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
As shirtless as possible
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
