Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
