Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
