Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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