I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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