I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
