seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts