I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In other news, I just burned my penis
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.