He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
