I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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