She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
