did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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