pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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