i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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