I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
