My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
