she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
