drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
God I need to hump something, right now.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
