I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
