How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
