she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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